Leeds United is bad for your health. We know this because of the exhausting drama of the last two games, but also through a long history of stress-induced anxiety, bouncing around seats with wild abandon when Leeds score and the long-established beer and football food culture that encompasses the matchday routine, and promotes healthy living like Boris Johnson promotes style and dignity. Add to this the long trips you might do to home and particularly away games; getting up at stupid times, getting back at stupid times and in between, catching some sleep in the back of a mate’s car, or a coach or on a dry train crawling back from King’s Cross. We don’t know if we chose Leeds United, or if they chose us, either way we can’t opt out so the above isn’t necessarily self-inflicted, but the most unhealthy psychosis football-supporting routinely delivers definitely is.

Most Leeds fans will remember what they were wearing when we beat Norwich at Elland Road three weeks ago, and a large proportion of them will endeavour to wear the same clothes this weekend for the visit of Southampton. Why? I couldn’t begin to explain, but it’s one of several insane rituals and superstitions which transfix football fans when needs become not just great, but pretty desperate. You might alternatively eat the same kind of pie, or burger, or park in the same place as you did pre-Norwich.

The troubling neurosis that we, somehow, have a tangible influence over the day’s events and Leeds United’s immediate fortunes purely through what we wear, say, do or don’t do is of course a preposterous notion. But amid that rare clarity of thought there is always the creeping suspicion that you had better not risk it, because how can you live with yourself if it goes wrong? Why take the chance when you don’t have to?

I can exclusively reveal that my friend was solely responsible for the Good Friday defeat to Wigan Athletic at the tail end of the 2018/19 season, when Leeds were on a rampant run of form and it finally looked like we were actually doing this ‘promotion’ thing, rather than merely talking about it. Four of us travelled to Preston away together and we won 2-0, and given the high stakes involved I insisted we all wore the same clothes for Sheffield Wednesday at home the following weekend. Because why wouldn’t you? It’s just dead easy, and while I knew it was an irrational obsession far beyond the lucid confines of anything you could fathom as logic, in the circumstances you wouldn’t want to jinx it. We all wore the same clothes, we won 1-0 and were in the box seat with four games to go.

You know what happened next; my friend inexplicably went rogue for the Wigan game, we lost 2-1 to 10 men after going 1-0-up and she has to live with that, particularly because that defeat also needlessly brought on more acute trauma in the shape of the Derby Play-Off debacle. And while I haven’t statistically plotted the historic success or otherwise of wearing the same clothes for the next game when Leeds have just won - and if I did, the bare facts would probably make me look more stupid than I already do - the concept that individual fans can impact a result through a vague belief that they can somehow control fate, neatly sums up the obsession we have with our football club, one that basically makes no sense whatsoever.

I mention all this because I can confess that I was directly responsible for us losing 1-0 to Southampton earlier this season, and as the reverse fixture lurches into view this weekend, it seems a good time to come clean. If you recall, Leeds had overcome an uncertain start to the season by beating Watford 1-0 in the previous game for our first win of the 2021/22 campaign. Meanwhile, Southampton had yet to win at all going into the international break which preceded the game, and which, as it turned out, broke our momentum like a wrecking ball.

Three of us travelled to Southampton early on the Saturday morning, all having done the maths to work out if Raphinha could possibly travel back from Brazil in time to play, factoring in flight duration, different time zones, the possible onset and implications of deep vein thrombosis and the efficiency of baggage claim facilities at the various airports of southern England. In the pre-match pub we gathered round a phone as the team news came in at 2pm, and we discovered that not only was Raphinha not even on the bench, but Kalvin Phillips wasn’t either, despite there being not a single previous hint that this was even a faint possibility. The atmosphere sunk immediately like a corked wine. We had passing conversations in the beer garden with Southampton fans who were in their own world of torment over poor form and relegation anxiety; “Leeds will win easily” they said. We knew otherwise, something wasn’t right about Leeds this season and this team news confirmed all our fears.

It’s my sad duty to report that those negative vibes I diffused from that pub about a mile from the St Mary’s Stadium DEFINITELY transmitted to the players getting changed and doing their warm-ups, and resulted in possibly the worst Leeds United performance under Marcelo Bielsa. Sorry about that everyone, it was me.

And that’s why I won’t be suggesting for a single moment that the Norwich and Wolves wins will have put Leeds in the right mind-set for the Southampton return at Elland Road this weekend. Because the last time I had undeniably positive thoughts about an upcoming Leeds United fixture was when we faced Newcastle at home in January, after the Burnley and West Ham wins, and so that was probably my fault as well.

Therefore, the fact that Southampton have lost their last three Premier League fixtures does not remotely fill me with confidence. And you won’t find me suggesting the two week rest which has enabled the Leeds squad to find a physical and mental state of calm came around at just the right time, and has de-stressed the players ahead of the crucial last eight games. No way am I going to imply that the resurrection of Kalvin Phillips has been expertly timed and scheduled for him to have peak impact for the run-in. I’m definitely not going to suggest that both Rodrigo and Raphinha look primed and ready to end the season in match-winning form. And I wouldn’t dare insinuate that Leeds for once being under-represented in the international fixtures and those players instead spending precious time in the cosy confines of Thorp Arch building a formidable siege mentality, might work in our favour.

It would be stupid and naïve of me to be so bold and over-confident. And there are thousands of Leeds United fans definitely not thinking the same things, because we all know that our positive thoughts can manipulate proceedings in a negative way, just like our negative thoughts can. Or so we think. That’s Leeds United fatalism for you; the life of a football fan, desperate to have an effect or a stimulus beyond simply singing and shouting encouragement from the stands.

And of course, that’s actually the only power we have, and the only one that matters. And where Leeds United is concerned, we know we can help make the difference, even if it kills us.